I WILL BECOME GOVERNOR OF CALIFORNIA
Eventually.
A politician is simply a salesman selling a dream. Figure out what the people are feeling and then articulate it passionately. While having a slick haircut and a crisp suit.
Nothing touches someone’s heart more than “being heard.” Including myself.
So I’ve decided to spin up a gubernatorial campaign in California. Not official yet and it won’t be next term. I’m not eligible and not sure when I want to become a resident. It’s a big commitment. 13% more tax and you’re boxed in with 39M other people. I am an introvert.
California has the bones to become the next Rome. It has the land, the resources, the history, the climate. It might even have its Julius Caesar.
Me, if I decide to move.
My ties to California go back generations. My grandfather ran for U.S. Senate there. His father built their Idyllwild home with his bare hands. A tradition I’ve chosen not to continue.
I have many serious policy ideas and strategies. But the rule is simple. Never let the public know your actual intentions until you’re in power. The masses are notoriously anti-risk and will never support anything that threatens their way of life. Even if it’s better for them.
Change is always risky. The one caveat: CA is the only state in the nation that welcomes change with open arms. Perhaps too welcoming.
I would win easily. Unlike Spencer Pratt, who couldn’t even go on Ozempic before running, I will persuade the public and the establishment to take my side.
Without further ado, here are the public positions I’ll run on. I will fight for you hard and never have a bad hair day. You will not be disappointed.
California is 95% there. Here is the other 5%.
MINT FOR CALIFORNIA - America’s Next Emperor
Manners. Intelligence. Nepotism. Taste. The MINT Doctrine.
Seven Propositions. All Very Popular.
PROP M-1 Roads Every pothole in California will be filled, beginning with the routes I personally drive. The public will benefit eventually.
PROP M-2 Housing California will build more affordable housing immediately, tastefully, and at a reasonable distance from existing views. Especially from mine.
PROP M-3 Commercials All commercials on television will be muted on day one. California is serene. The advertising should be too.
PROP M-4 Restaurants All establishments will serve dinner until at least 11 p.m. No exceptions. The evenings are for dining.
PROP M-5 Pickleball A complete and total ban on pickleball. Existing courts will be returned to tennis or converted into parking. Read my full case against pickleball.
PROP M-6 Public Health A siesta, also known as a nap, will be mandatory statewide from 2 to 4 p.m. Shops will close, calls will go unanswered, and plans will wait. A well-rested California is a successful California.
PROP M-7 Traffic Gas prices will be higher. There are too many cars on the road, and California deserves a more selective commute. The roads should be reserved for people with somewhere important to be.
As for crime, it will simply end. Too obvious to merit a proposition. When I’m done with the state, the only criminal activity left in Los Angeles will be lip filler practiced without a license.
I’m basically Gavin Newsom without the shame. He apologized after going to the French Laundry. Unlike Gavin, I will never back down.
So, before I run for office, who wants to send the first $100M check? Early donors will be remembered.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to an important meeting with my bed.
