The Anti-Pickleball Manifesto
An inferior sport for inferior people.
Pickleball should be banned. I’ve said it in the past and I'll say it again. I’ll say it for the rest of my life. As much as it takes until it is permanently wiped off the face of the earth.
My heart aches, breaks, shatters, cries, screams, explodes whenever I see beautiful historic tennis properties replacing their courts with tacky, ugly, noisy pickleball sections (I refuse to call them courts, they are NOT courts).
Pickleball is definitely not a sport. It’s a hobby. It’s the same as bowling. I’d say it’s tennis’ ugly cousin but the cursed activity isn’t remotely related to that elegant, majestic sport.
The purpose of tennis is to attract the fittest, most attractive, and most prestigious people in the world and to dissuade the loud, unwashed masses. You need to be fit. You need to wear all white. You need to have enough hair for a headband. Tennis is pure. Tennis is alpha.
Pickleball is a middle finger to anyone with dignity. To wealth. To your Divine Creator.
Just say no.
“Pickleball is an inferior sport for inferior people.” -Trust Fund Man
So what kind of person actually plays pickleball? We need to dig deep into this if we have any hope of eradicating this horrific disease. I believe it is a symptom of something darker, much more sinister.
The country is deteriorating.
So without further ado, let’s publicly name and shame the habits of those who partake in this dreadful activity.
1. APPLE WATCHES
Pickleball players love Apple Watches. They usually have their polyester outfits, performance gloves on … and their digital TV on their wrists to calculate their strenuous workouts. It’s not enough that they have an iPhone Pro MAX, iPad, Macbook Pro, 80-inch TV… They might miss out on some critical health information. They might not get their full step count.
I have nothing against real watches. A proper analog piece is art. It tells the time while showing everyone exactly where you sit in the hierarchy. (Apple Watch wearers signal to everyone they think Hillstone is nice—which is just a glorified Chili’s).
I do not need a TV on my wrist that alerts me it’s past my 9 pm bedtime. I do not need a voluntary ankle monitor tracking my location for the FBI.
Pickleball players do, though.
When you go to bed early, you get to preserve your energy to dominate the game and win the Grand Prize of being an embarrassment to everyone.
2. FACETIMING IN PUBLIC
The other day I was minding my own business, sipping a pumpkin latte while responding to one of my lawyers, when a pickleball player next to me interrupted the silence with the most obnoxious noise of all time: A public FaceTime call.
She jammed her oversized iPhone Pro MAX into her face, which was about the size of a dinner plate. No headphones. Speakerphone at maximum volume.
I was forced to listen to a loud 10-minute discussion about how much she loved Kamala Harris, broadcast to the entire coffee shop. Let me be clear: Unless Tiger Woods is personally calling you to play golf, there is zero reason to video chat in public.
At the end of this ordeal, I went outside and walked past her Tesla Model Y. I didn’t even need to look, but I did.
There, on the passenger seat, were two neon plastic paddles.
Sad.
3. VAPING
SOMEBODY IS DOING THE VAPING… and it’s pickleball players.
I’m a cigarette guy. I always have been. There is nothing cooler than lighting up a Marlboro Red and brandishing a .44 Magnum. While I’ll never actually smoke (I’m too handsome and I refuse to get wrinkles), I always respect smokers. They have skin in the game. They know it’s killing them.
Vapists think they’re healthy. They’re not. Vaping turns your lungs into popcorn. Or so I’ve been told.
I have thought a lot about nicotine pouches as well and I almost want to lump them in with e-cigarettes. However, there is one key distinction: They are less noticeable. They can cram as many cotton balls as they want in their mouths, but at least they aren’t bothering me.
Vapers do not extend the same courtesy.
I was recently in the back of an Uber Black, which turned out to be a Tesla Model Y (since when are Teslas considered “Black Tier?”).
The driver, who was naturally wearing an Apple Watch, pulled out his thumb drive. A cold dread washed over me. I wanted to jump out of the window. The Tesla immediately filled with vapor smelling like blueberry ice. I began coughing profusely.
“Did you win your pickleball match today?” I asked, half jokingly.
He beamed. “I did actually.”
I really need to see someone.
4. SNEAKERS WITH A SUIT
I would argue wearing a suit with sneakers is worse than pickleball.
It is possibly the greatest sin of them all.
It dishonors God.
A suit is a sacred garment. It exists to elevate you. To distinguish you from the masses. To show you are important. To signal lineage, restraint, an understanding of the world’s natural hierarchy.
Sneakers annihilate all of that.
You have failed your heritage. You have failed your name.
You could be a billionaire. You could be an Ivy League graduate. You could even be the President of the United States. But the second you tie the laces of your thick white-soled Cole Haans and walk out your front door, all of it evaporates. You look like you’re dressed for prom.
With one simple move, you have permanently banished yourself from the very circles you so desperately wish to be a part of. With those sneakers or “tennis shoes,” you step on the graves of your ancestors— who will now be forgotten.
Call them what they are: pickleball shoes.
5. VOTED FOR JOE BIDEN
Pickleball players all voted for Joe Biden.
Even if they voted for Trump, they voted for Joe Biden.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I am late for my tennis lesson.
TFM