Not Working Out Is The New Working Out
I am 2 years sober from the gym.
I finally cancelled my Equinox membership. I never used it. I just went in there to charge my phone whenever I was lost in NYC. They have decent smoothies, too.
But I completely stopped lifting weights there. Why would I? Spending an hour around sweaty people with tattoos in AirPods isn’t my idea of a good time.
Besides, I already look fantastic. I can hit a golf ball 320 yards.
I caught my reflection in the mirror the other day (I am being modest— I was looking at myself for a good 20 minutes), and I had a realization.
Working out is fake news.
Back when I believed the lies, I hit the weights like a marine. I was at the gym every morning “pumping iron.” Squats. Deadlifts. Bench. Airpods. All the COMPOUND exercises the roided-out YouTubers swear by. I even took creatine.
And what happened?
I felt awful. Like I’d been hit by a small truck. Foggy. Irritable. I couldn’t play golf. I was useless.
I am convinced Big Fitness is a plot to neutralize the population. How can we fight our enemies when we are always recovering from yesterday’s workout?
True health is incredible genetics. Perhaps minimal exercise helps, but it has to be actual activities. Walking, swimming, golf, sunbathing, listening to Phil Collins…
Even the strongest person alive, President Donald J. Trump, agrees with me about the gym.
There’s no way going to a place with fluorescent lighting that blasts rap music directly into your brain extends your life.
I’m the perfect case study. Look at me. I do nothing all day except sip Diet Cokes, play golf, write groundbreaking substacks, and nap. And what do I look like?
Handsome Squidward if he had hair.
TFM