I Own Zero Bitcoin

...and I never will.

I’m going to come clean: I once owned two whole bitcoins. Two solid digital gold coins that could buy me an entire Lambo right now if I held on… or “Hodl’ed,” as the kids say.

But I sold them in 2017. Why? Because bitcoin is a scam. Even if it isn’t a scam and goes to a billion dollars each, it’s still a scam.

I’ve spent hours pondering, and I’ve decided it’s a fake-news psyop created by either (1) a government, (2) a shadow government, or (3) a spooky government that’s shadowy.

The ultimate objective isn’t just financial tracking; it’s to ease us into uploading our entire lives onto a public blockchain so we can be censored and scrutinized forever.

A Trojan Horse.

Well, that’s one of my theories. The other theory is: I panic sold because it dipped $100 and I’m emotionally unstable.

But I’m one of the least unstable people out there. I am stoic. I read Ryan Holiday. I’m cold as ice. I don’t stress about anything.

Except… sometimes when I look at a crypto chart and the line is RED. I might get a little nervous. You can guess what happened next.

Yes I immediately sold. Threw my hardware wallet in the trash, burned my house down, cried to my golf pro, and never thought about it again.

So to play it safe, my portfolio has since had zero crypto whatsoever, and I get to periodically post my classic tweet whenever bitcoin has an off day.

I’ve been feeling pretty good lately. It’s down $30,000 from the highs. I am a genius.

And before it goes back up, you’ll have to excuse me. I have to return some videotapes.