A Crash Out A Day Keeps The Monotony Away
I'm winning even when I'm not.
Every morning I wake up in a sweat. Actually afternoon. I don’t wake up in the mornings. I go to bed in the mornings. 3 am, 4 am. Wake up hours later freaking out, scroll Twitter till I pass out again.
By 12, I force myself up. Sheets need to be changed… but they’re usually not even on my bed by then. They’re on the floor. Anyway, I forgot what was bothering me but it was very important. Probably something someone did to me 3 years ago. I change the details daily but I am going to get revenge. I will never tell anyone who or what but I am going to win. I win at everything. You’ll see that. Even if I lose, enough time passes and it actually becomes a win.
Anyway. I’m up. Showered. Drank a coffee with a dozen sugars and cream. No breakfast because I have to maintain my perfect 28-inch waist. Many people tell me I should work out and eat more but they’re jealous I’m 6’4, thin, handsome, and genetically incapable of balding (affirmation). I would sympathize with them if I had the time, but I don’t. 175 mph ball speed, 300-yard drives. You get the picture.
I email my lawyers, I send my business partners memes, and I read an article confirming my worldview that the world is going to hell because everyone is smoking pot. Typical day so far. I start to get really antsy. It’s another day where nothing happens.
I am not getting any likes on tweets, I’m tired, my lawyers aren’t calling me (they’re my only friends), and I don’t feel like responding to Twitter e-girls. They’re cute obviously but they just want me for my body and they’re on drugs. I hate drugs. I want a genuine sober connection. Because I’m level-headed and stable.
It’s 3:30 pm by now I’m going to lose my mind. I need lunch. I’m no longer tired, I’m shaking. I’m turning pink. This is usually the part of the day where something either goes terribly wrong or incredibly right. Same thing, really. I swerve around a grandma on my way to the deli. She should look both ways. I was sending a tweet. In the heat of the moment, I thought of my next billion-dollar business idea: A video dating app called 30 Secs.. say it slowly.
I get excited and phone my business partners. They tell me to chill out or they’re going to put me in an institution. I tell them stagnation is death. They hang up. They’re thinking about it. Another win.
FYI, this idea is real and if you want to invest in this particular app, DMs are open. You just need 2 things: capital, and don’t get scared when I send you an agreement that is 300 pages long. I’ll put you in touch with my firm. Thank you for your attention to this matter.